One year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I asked myself if that was too dramatic of a statement, “worst day ever”, but it ain’t. It was awful. It came as a complete shock when I was let go from my job, and I wouldn’t wish that type of intense, unwarranted, and abrupt change on anyone. My circumstances changed in an instant, but it took weeks to even begin to move on emotionally. The tears and the grief continued to creep up months later, even when I was at my strongest. But what came after was nothing short of miraculous, and it’s no credit to me. Let me tell you about it…

Since 2013, Stevie and I shot weddings while both having full-time design jobs, and it was my dream to eventually do that full-time and work for myself, as a designer and a photographer. While juggling it all, I would come home from my 8-5 job, and go straight to emailing clients, responding to inquiries, building a website, creating contracts and wedding packages, editing photos, trying to create somewhat of a system, figuring out that awful T word (taxes)… the list goes on and on and then some. I had such a passion for photography that I didn’t mind working around the clock, but I was working so hard and still felt miles away from being able to make the switch. I did all I could think of but just wasn’t booking enough weddings or sessions to supplement my income. It was depressing, and most of the time I questioned if working for myself would ever become a reality. This went on for years, and thinking about the future was always daunting.

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Sometimes I worked so hard to make full-time self-employment a reality, that I think I left no room for God to work too. I’d check off every task on my photography to-do list, but giving it to God wasn’t one of them. I put all the pressure on myself to make everything in my career happen. It wasn’t until things got so bleak and uncertain in it, that I started to acknowledge that God had to solve this problem. Stevie and I both knew the situation was so much bigger than me (and always had been) so we finally committed to praying about it regularly. Like for real this time. Until that point, I would pray here and there about my situation, but I also always felt like there was more I could try, more I could fix, more I could plan. But not anymore – I was at the end of my rope. So for months we asked Jesus to step in, we asked for his help, we asked him to give us patience and peace, and to initiate the calling he had on me in his timing. Things at work got worse and worse, and it just made us pray harder and harder.

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What came next was not what either one of us ever anticipated. I think we expected that since we were praying about it, I would just start to book so many weddings and freelance design work, that I would have no choice but to give my side work all my attention, and we could comfortably make the transition. Thinking about that now makes me LOL. I’m sure God knew a clear and cushy switch like that would take absolutely no faith on our part and wouldn’t grow us closer to him or each other one bit. (And y’all know that’s the stuff God cares about!) Of course what happened was about the exact opposite of what we ever imagined. And it didn’t make any sense. I had zero weddings booked for 2018 at the time, and on top of that we were trying to buy a house. But we found out pretty quickly that God didn’t need sense to make a way for us.

Something changed in Stevie the day this all went down one year ago (God-given peace I’d say), and he had enough without-a-doubt faith for the both of us that this was Jesus’s plan unfolding (it took me a little longer to see it). As I was balling my eyes out, I remember him telling me that he knew this was an answer to prayer. He said that it would have taken us such a long time, if ever, to gain the courage and make the leap ourselves, so this was God stepping in. (Probably true judging by what our expectations were, lol.) But I had a lot of trouble accepting that for awhile because no matter how I looked at it, I felt like a failure. I felt undeserving of the dream I’d had, like I hadn’t earned it yet. My pride was deeply hurt, and my independence was crumbling. But being humbled and dependent on the Lord is definitely not a bad place to be.

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When you ask God to do something and he does, the only next real option you have is to keep asking, keep waiting, and keep expecting him to answer. Again and again and again. So for the past year that’s what we’ve been learning to do in real life ways. With our finances, with our family, with our work, with our home, with relationships… It’s hard work – to pray boldly, live one day at a time in hope, to believe God will provide for us, and to let go of the lie that we have any control. We certainly don’t get it right all the time. Leaning more on God this year has been scary when we allow fear to creep in, but exciting when we let his promises and love take over. We’ve experienced so many crazy miracles this year, the kind that other people use to tell me happened to them and I wondered why they didn’t happen to me (now I realize it’s because I didn’t give God room to be miraculous in those areas). It’s been so cool to see God redeem and restore what the enemy meant for defeat.

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If you feel lost, I promise God knows exactly where you are and where you’re going next. The valleys I went through (and am going through) serve a purpose that would only rob me of growth and gratitude if I got to skip over them. If you’re holding out hope for something that feels like it’ll never arrive, I can assure you help is on the way. You never know how close you are to an answer to your prayers, but God is always working behind the scenes. If you feel unworthy or rejected, you need to know that you are wonderfully made, and there’s more to your story that you’ll see come together one day. Now I look back and am truly thankful for the confusing, hard things I went through.

Life is not easier for me now just because I’m on a path I desired for a long time. There are new struggles and hardships, but God’s mercies are new each day too. I still have so much to learn, a thousand ways to grow, and a long way to go. But this past year God has shown me how and where he can lead us if we’ll simply let him, that his timing is never wrong, and that he can redeem anything. “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” No matter what, that’s the best place you can be.

XOXO,

Sara-Lane