Last fall, we walked in to the doctor’s office with a fresh sense of optimism and hope. We’d hit many roadblocks already with trying to get pregnant. But we felt like an IUI procedure would be just what we needed to do the “trick”. We thought God had led us here so we could now get pregnant. And we just knew this was our ticket to fast forwarding through any more waiting and heartache.
Those feelings quickly crashed and burned at that first IUI, when we were told they couldn’t even complete the IUI due to some test results that had lessened our chances that month. The timing wasn’t right. The circumstances weren’t good enough. And our hopes for that being the “month” for us vanished and left us wondering what to do with ourselves and our crushed spirits.
So what did we do?
Well, first we went to Fox’s Donut Den for a flakey, layered pick-me-up (which would turn in to our go-to spot after each discouraging doc appointment). Then we saw a movie we thought would be inspiring and uplifting and get our minds off everything. Clearly we were clueless about the movie plot, because we saw A Star Is Born… And *spoiler alert* that is one depressingly sad movie. The credits rolled as we both sat there crying, sinking deeper into our hole of emotions.
That was a hard, confusing day that I still can’t make much sense of. It’s difficult to explain the feelings we had in that situation – such a mix of holding on to hope, tremendous disappointment, and trying to be strong for each other. But we got through it together, which was a feat in itself. It’s no secret that I don’t have the answers as to why this is God’s story for us, but one thing I am dang sure of is that He specifically gave me and Stevie each other to walk through this with.
We have grown through and gone through so much the past two years. I hear about marriages that end because of infertility hardships, and that truly breaks my heart to think about. One type of grief is enough as it is, and I’m thankful to God we don’t have to endure another one. We’ve certainly had our moments of being at odds or frustrated with each other. But I can look at Stevie and know his love is a complete and total gift from God that has carried me through this season.
Sometimes we sit in movie theaters together and cry. Sometimes we share our dreams over lattes and notepads. Sometimes we laugh at our clumsiness and make fun of each other. We argue over stupid stuff, sing loudly with the windows rolled down, take turns calling dreaded insurance companies. Sometimes we sit in doctor’s waiting rooms mustering up courage and calming our nerves and wondering what’s next.
I don’t know where this road will take us or what we’ll encounter along the way. But we’re in it together, and maybe that’s the point.